The Rapture is coming, you know. Just ask an Evangelical Christian. They’ll tell you it’s true. Even though predictions for hundreds of “imminent raptures” have thus far failed to materialize (or is it dematerialize?), these folks are as sure as fresh snow is white that the REAL Rapture is definitely on the way. But they also know that their message is not whole-heartedly embraced by everyone. But for the Rapture Disciples this only means that they still have work to do, and they know that once the Rapture really does happen, all those who have missed the train to Heaven will cast aside their disbelief and fervently work to join their righteous loved ones in Heaven, who had warned them all along.
To that end, welcome to the world wide web youvebeenleftbehind.com. This handy-dandy website allows subscribers the opportunity to remind special friends and family members who missed the Rapture that they still have hope, and a chance, to gain the Kingdom of Heaven.
From their website:
“You’ve Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends For Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen.”
That’s right friends…for a mere $40 per year subscription fee, youvebeenleftbehind.com will let you store up to 250Mb of documents that can be automatically e-mailed to up to 62 different sinners when the Rapture happens. But wait…there’s more! That 250Mb is partitioned so that you can have document encryption for 150Mb worth of information. What better way to pass along sensitive password information to that sinful Aunt Tessa who never took Jesus into her heart? No reason to deny her your money (which you no longer need, right?) just because she denied the Lord now is there?
But wait, you might be asking, how does this service work? I mean, the Rapture takes all the good Christians away, and these folks who run this site are obviously good Christians. How does the system send out all these e-mails to the black-hearted non-believers if they’ve (the site hosts) been taken back to Jesus?
Just as Noah got instructions from God on how to build a really big boat, the fine folks at youvebeenleftbehind.com have an ingenious trigger that can only be divinely inspired.
“We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the “Rapture” of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.”
Got it? If three of the five team members fail to log in to the system for three days in a row, the trigger is set. Another three days pass, and it’s sure the Rapture took place. (Odd though that only 3 need to log in. I wonder if that means that two of the five are really closet sinners?) Talk about fail-proof!
The site is the brainchild of Mark Heard, who came up with the idea while buying stocks online one day. He worried about how his wife would gain access to his account and password if he were to be Raptured at that moment.
“In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables and powers of attorneys. There won’t be any bodies, so probate court will take seven years to clear your assets to your next of kin. Seven years, of course, is all the time that will be left (during the Tribulation) so, basically the Government of the Antichrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.”
I guess Mr. Heard’s wife isn’t as devout as he wishes she were. But you know what they say….behind every great man….
So better join today. Why? Because the Rapture is coming! And because when you’re gone, you’ll never get another chance to save your loved ones from a fiery eternity. Oh wait….with this service, I guess you will get one more chance.
(cross posted at Bring It On!)
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