It is not an understatement to say that raising children is the most important job most of us will ever have. More than just making sure our kids survive to adulthood and beyond, the task of raising children to become responsible citizens has a direct, cumulative effect on the state of our societies. If we fail to ensure that our children become educated in the ways of history, science and math, if we fail to teach them about responsibility and honesty, if we fail to instill in them a sense of community and empathy, among other things, then we have no one but ourselves to blame for the decline of our social institutions. As parents, it is our duty, to our children and to society, to make sure that they reach adulthood with a certain understanding of what society will condone, what is expected of them as adults, and how they will need to act to better find their own happiness and success. Yet as parents, we can’t entirely accomplish these tasks ourselves, especially in a society increasingly dependent on two incomes to make ends meet. It takes a combined effort from parents, social goals, business interests, and political programs to make it all succeed.
The Value of Education is one of the greatest concepts we can instill on our kids. Mankind’s ability to learn and be curious is the one gift that really sets us apart from the other animals on Earth. Our ability to pass on what we learn, to expand upon what we learn, is what has enabled us to move from the caves into our condos. But just because we are inherently curious, that is no guarantee that we will use our ability to its potential. As parents, we must show our kids that learning is fun and learning opens doors of opportunity. We must foster their natural inquisitiveness, while reminding them that learning isn’t always an easy process. Learning requires listening, studying, testing, and more listening. Parents can better help their children to embrace learning by answering their questions when they can and by insisting their children show respect for their teachers. Parents and teachers need to work together instead of as adversaries to ensure that kids learn to their best ability. Outside of structured school, parents can increase their children’s curiosity with trips to museums or sporting events or libraries or with experiences in nature. To help parents achieve these things, costs for event tickets shouldn’t be out of reach for anyone making less than six figures a year. Employers could embrace more flexible work schedules to allow for more family time and yearly vacations. Society in general could learn to demand less instantaneous satisfaction in favor of a saner pace of life.
The Need for Tolerance is another important trait to instill in our children, for without tolerance we can’t coexist with any sense of normalcy. The perpetuation of racism and prejudice creates much harm to the progress of civilization, wasting so much effort, resources, and lives, that their continued existence lacks all Common Sense. As people, we are each different from each other in some way, and for someone to decide to hate or deny equality to another because of race or religion or sexual preference is as illogical as one can be, for even if you were wronged by someone of a different race or religion or what have you, this is not evidence that all others in that generalized classification are bad too. As parents, we must not only teach this to our children with words, but with our actions as well. Children perceive the subtleties we think we reserve for adults, and though they may not understand them, they certainly adopt them and make them their own. As a society, we must stop painting portions of our country as evil or idiotic simply because they have different priorities in life. We must insist on an end to the political rhetoric that serves to divide rather than unite. And just to be clear, tolerance does not mean the acceptance of heinous criminals like murderers or rapists or condoning acts that harm others or ideas that deny others equality and freedom..
The Meaning of Respect is another invaluable tool to give to our children, one that is sadly missing from today’s world. From the loss of formal salutations and assumptions of respect for ones elders to an overriding sense of self-importance, showing respect for each other is becoming archaic, much to our detriment. But the breakdown starts in the home when parents don’t demand respect from their children, and instead attempt to be their own kids’ best friend. This attitude is not how one teaches respect, as it places children on the same plane as adults, when they are neither psychologically or intellectually ready to be there. Children need authority figures and disciplinarians, and they seek them first in their parents. When they find no firm authority in the home, they equate all adults with their parents and learn to respect only those they fear, which is not really respect at all. As they grow older, this lack of respect can only offer a lifetime of combativeness or separation, certainly not positions one finds success and happiness in. Respect has many levels. There is respect for a position like doctor or teacher or firefighter. We respect these people for what they do whether we know them personally or not. We extend a certain amount of respect to them collectively, in spite of bad actions that may arise by certain individuals. Another respect is based on our personal knowledge or admiration for someone or their actions. While the first is easier to teach, the second is just as important, for through it we can reinforce the other lessons we strive to teach by holding up the success and behavior of others who exhibited those traits. Respect doesn’t necessarily mean we have to like someone or even agree with them, but a good rule of thumb is to show respect to someone until they prove themselves unworthy through their actions or through their words. We need to move back, as a society, to addressing each other with respect, or at least insisting on it from children.
Teaching Honesty is among the harder values to instill in our children, especially when the prevalent mood of society is to spin the news towards one view or the other, starting in our halls of government and working down to the classrooms in our schools. We all want our kids to be honest with us, yet we lie to them each and every day. We promote propaganda regarding sexual behavior, the effects of drugs and alcohol, personal image, and other seemingly moralistic issues. We tell our children that there is only one truth when in fact there are often multiple facets to every truth. Does this mean that we should never tell our kids anything not provable by science or direct observation? Should we give up our fairy tales with their moral lessons simply because they are fiction? This is not what I mean when I speak of being honest with our kids, for there is also an element of magic associated with childhood, a time of naivety that is enriched through fantasy. But when we sense a child is asking a serious question, for the purpose of learning, let’s give them the unblemished truth, to the age-appropriate degree that they can understand, instead of perpetuating wives tales and repeated mantras. And governments and businesses must stop twisting the truth about their actions and start being honest with the public. The truth may sometimes hurt, but they say it also sets you free.
The Concept of Service is one that shows our children that a free society depends upon the participation of all the citizens, and that by volunteering our time to help others or to clean up our cities or to coach a little league team is time well spent. When one embraces the idea of giving back to their community, one feels more a part of that community and helps to keep that community safe and clean. As parents, we can teach the concept of service by making our kids he
lp out around the house, helping relatives and friends with bigger projects or daily needs, and not paying them in cash or rewarding them in kind for every act they perform. The concept of service implies that your efforts will be returned to you when you need help, and that sometimes it is more rewarding to lend a hand than to demand a dollar. Society depends upon people helping people, and the upshot is that with an increased sense of service, many of the more mundane or everyday tasks now performed by government agencies could be handled by you and me for less costs and with better results. We should remove many of the barriers that prevent people from helping out, including a propensity to sue each other over every minor slight or mishap.
Personal Responsibility is something all children must eventually learn if they are ever to earn the respect of others, care for themselves financially, and provide for their own families someday. Personal responsibility is the ability to pay one’s own bills, hold down a job, keep one’s word to others, provide for their family, and stay out of legal trouble. When parents make excuses for their own child’s bad behavior they are not teaching personal responsibility. When a parent does their child’s homework for them they are not teaching personal responsibility. When a parent buys kids everything they ask for, or when a parent ignores their child’s dishonesty or when a parent never demands their child pick up after themselves, they are not teaching personal responsibility. When there are no consequences to actions, there is no personal responsibility. The end result is an adult who can admit no wrong, who is never to blame, and who always knows the best way to do everything. As a society, we need to stop idolizing those figures that do not espouse the tenets of personal responsibility. We need to stop promoting behaviors that are based only on selfish motives. And we must each try to keep our word to each other and to our children.
Common Sense parenting isn’t as much about what practical skills you may teach your kids so much as it is about making sure they have the tools to learn those skills themselves and to put those skills to good use. It isn’t about following a particular path or walking the same road as everyone else as much as it is about treating each other in a similar way and expecting the same in return. Society has a stake in successful parenting, and should work together to help parents teach their kids. Business leaders should make time for families more valuable than they do now, for eventually, they will need to hire these kids, and they’ll want them to have some manners and social graces. And parents need to quit trying to be their kids’ best friend. It’s time to reinforce our social values together instead of indulging our own egos and perpetuating our own irrational prejudices at our kids (and society’s) expense.
This entry was posted on Monday, June 27th, 2005 at 6:39 am and is filed under Common Sense, education, Life, society.
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June 27th, 2005 at 7:50 am
I am trying to make sure my children learn all of lifes valuable lessons and not prejudice and hatred of the opposite sex.
My son told me last week I couldn’t be a doctor because I am a girl. LOL boy did we have a discussion.
June 27th, 2005 at 5:14 pm
I’m enjoying your site – I’ve put a link on my site – feel free to come by and visit us at The Rudicus Report http://www.rudicusreport.blogspot.com.
I totally agree with everything you say here and that is a very well thought out and comprehensive list.
I would only like to add one and I’d put it right at the top, just after taking responsibility (which is one of the rarest things I’ve encountered anywhere) and that would be teaching children how to think and think for themselves. Just like we want children to understand the importance of the things you’ve mentioned, we don’t want them to blindly follow us just as we wouldn’t want them to blindly follow anyone else. You know the old saying,
Give a man a thought and you’ll educate him for a day.
Teach a man to think and you’ll educate him for a lifetime.
Tell a man what to think every day and don’t let him hear anything else to the contrary and you’ll be able to control him and get him to do and say all sorts of stupid things.
Keep up the good work.
June 27th, 2005 at 10:08 pm
You have out done yourself here Ken. Each paragraph could stand alone as a post on its own. Very hard to comment on this one. As a stay-at-home father of two boys (3 and 1) the raising of my children is something I take very seriously – as well as with a healthy dose of humor and fun. It is the most challenging and rewarding job I have ever had, and I have had a lot.
My father still says to this day, “you don’t raise your children, your children raise you.” I think there is a lot of truth to that as I am a very different person now than when I was single and childless – and you never could have convinced my single self how much better off I am now with children.
All that said, I could boil down my thoughts on your post to a few sentences:
Children, do indeed learn what they live. And, attitudes are contageous. As a parent you should work to ensure that a child is embraced with love and valued daily – every day and all day. This does not mean that you shower them with gifts and bribes or spankings…but that your best work as a parent involves improving yourself as a human being first and unlearning all the bad qualities your parents bestowed on you.
Got to run – my 1 year old wants me to pop the jack-in-the box as he is now learning to turn a handle…these kids grow so fast – hold onto them as long as you can but be sure to let them go as they are ready.
Oh, and don’t forget to read to them…they dig the library if they go there frequently…perhaps one of the greatest resources our communities have to offer.
June 27th, 2005 at 11:05 pm
Lovely post, Ken.
Being a parent (of three, son age 9 and boy/girl twins age 6) has been the most rewarding, frustrating and genuinely joyful events of my life. It has also been the primary source of self-evaluation. My children see me, especially when I’m not seeing them. My path to self-improvement rewards me, but I owe it, at this juncture, to them.
Being there for your children is a big deal. By that, I mean it can involve choosing a sacrifce that will effect the balance of your life. I “mommy-tracked” seven years ago. I am still a part time employee at the company I’ve worked for for the past 13 years. I have lost all benefits, and do not receieve annual performance reviews. Financially, it sucks. We have accepted some very tight budgeting in order for me to supervise homework, sort out the problems of the day, limit television, encourage books, and teach simple things like social skills and how to cook. We are richer for being poorer.
Each family chooses their own way. This way is the best for us.
June 28th, 2005 at 12:12 am
Ken, I forgot to thank you for the link. I’ve added Common Sense to my sidebar. Thanks!
June 28th, 2005 at 7:14 pm
Hopefully this won’t be read as condescending or pretentious, or [insert any other pejorative here]. However, I do indeed feel the need to disagree with you on a few points. Overall, you say good things, but…Well let’s see. Oh…This will be long, feel free to delete.
Giving strangers respect isn’t always a good thing, and might often be a bad thing. Perhaps you mean simply behaving in a civil or not unkind manner, but, I think respect means something a little more, perhaps something not easy to pen down. But automatically giving someone respect because they are of a particular age group or profession is silly, I think. Certainly, we should teach our children to respect certain things, but, blanket respect without regard for what a particular individual actually does seems like it might just be a touch misleading. If we teach our children to respect their elders, then we’re also teaching them to respect the bad in people. There is nothing wrong with this, on my own philosophy, but as you’ve outlined your ideas, we seem to want to eliminate badness.
As far as your ideas on Tolerance go, I’m not sure I agree. I think that there’s nothing wrong with having a particular stigma for a particular group of people IF fair characterizations of that group, that is, traits characteristic of that group are undesirable traits. For example, Christianity subjugates the self, it instills fear and shame. To believe in such a faith one must have a particular mindset, some would call slavish, which is undesirable, I feel. I want to teach my children to be strong individuals with no contingencies, while at the same time giving them the tools to exist in society on their own terms. Christianity, is contrary to this philosophy. As are many other large-scale, organized religions.
“As they grow older…certainly not positions one finds success and happiness in.”
Happiness, I think is a subjective dream. We cannot BE happy people, that would be tiring. We experience varying degrees of contentedness, but happiness I think is just an ideal toward which we aspire, simply to get us further in one direction. It’s a subjective matter, and thus, different things will make different people happy. Some find happiness in the solitude that society prevents. This ideal of seemingly overarching, blanket respect seems like it restricts happiness to a particular range of feelings or activities, etc.
“We need to stop promoting behaviors that are based only on selfish motives.”
Selfish motives are quite possibly the only motives in existence. We can fool ourselves into believing we’re altruistic, but we’re just acting “altruistically” in order to present that impression to other people or in order to feel a particular feeling. Because we are the movers of our own bodies and we are the generators of our own thoughts, our motives can only be our own, they can only be selfish. Psychological egoism…James Rachels wrote some good stuff on it.
So that’s all I’ve got. Thanks for your time, I hope you read all I had to write and hopefully will respond.
June 29th, 2005 at 3:13 am
I think the items KG lists are all excellent ones. Consideration for others is a big one with me; and it’s not easy when kids’ brains are developing through stages of “me” centered perceptions. Then, there’s the teenage period where their brains are tweaked by nature and they are clinically insane for several years. But, in the end, a good foundation results in a sound structure overall.
June 29th, 2005 at 4:33 pm
Thanks for visiting and commenting at my site http:wordslightfires.blogspot.com/
Your posts are excellent, I’m very impressed with your thinking and your writing. You’ve been on my favorite list for quite some time.
Peace be with you……..
June 29th, 2005 at 5:59 pm
My wife and I are having to learn all of this over again, we now have a 13 year old Grand Daughter living with us. Since she moved in I have learned that math has changed since I went to school. She has learned that if you ask Grand Pa a question about the three branches of government he will show you where to find them in the Constitution.
God Bless America, God Save The Republic.
June 30th, 2005 at 6:31 am
(responses)
angel- Sounds like you’re trying to do the right things. Your son will learn that women are just as capable as men soon enough. Truth be told, some of my best bosses have been women.
Glad to hear from you again.
Rudicus- Thanks! I’ll be by your site again.
I agree with your point, and alluded to it with the the Value of Education. By encouraging and answering questions, we teach our children to be questioning, but capable of accepting the answers when they are told the truth.
Thanks for dropping by.
Windspike- Thanks for the compliment. You obvoiusly know the challenges of parenting! Yes, having kids SHOULD change the way you think about things and act in general. It is a point when you have to stop always thinking of yourself first.
Jet- I wish more people were as introspective as you seem to be. And even two working families can make time for the kids, but I think businesses need to become more flexible, not be so attached to the 40 hour week or allow people more flexible schedules to help parents focus on their real work- raising kids.
And thanks for the link!
Philosopher- Always happy to have comments, especially those that bring up different ideas.
Yes, respect does involve civil behavior, but in general, I think that respect is something that should be presumed until proven otherwise. Do I mean that when meeting a convicted criminal you should look up to him? Of course not. And don’t mistake respect with trust.
Respecting ones elders though isn’t really silly, considering that their life experiences are greater than our own, they have much insight to offer, and often have paved the way for our own successes to be realized. I think that Common Sense would help people understand that all behaviors are not worthy of respect, and also not all people. But with a presumption of respect, at least a more civil society would ensue.
I’m also not silly enough to believe that you can eliminate “badness.” You can diminish it, isolate it, and shun it, but the nature of humanity almost ensures that it will prevail to some degree or another. And, I couldn’t presume to arbitrate what would be the bar for “badness” despite some very obvious beginnings.
Tolerance…meaning not condemning others who disagree with your own free will and thoughts EXCEPT when those ideals harm you or impinge on your rights. And while you find Christianity undesirable, many do not. This is what I mean by tolerance. Teach your children as you will and let them teach theirs, so long as no one propigates hatred or prejudice, viva la difference!
Please don’t think that I envision a world full of shiny, smiling people. I simply hope for a place without real strife like famine and poverty and war. Of course we aspire towards happiness, because we don’t have to worry about those and other things on a daily basis.
Selfish motives do indeed have their place in life, but I don’t think that all actions are based in the self. If you protect your child from catastrophic harm, you often don’t worry about your own well being so much. There are many instances when one’s compassion for others override a selfish state. This type of compassion should be nurtured in other areas of life too, but like all things, used in moderation. No one is asking for a bunch of martyrs, just a little more “people helping people” without profit being the motive.
Hope I addressed everything, and feel free to leave as long of a comment as you need to!
ShaeNC- The transition from “me” to “us” IS a tough one, isn’t it? But without making that leap, we have no society, just a bunch of individuals. Good to hear from you again.
Jeanette- I appreciate your comments. I enjoy your posts from time to time too. Feel free to tell some friends to drop by if you ever see something worth sharing!
David- What a challenge that must be for you, but thanks for stepping up to the plate. Too many kids fall through the cracks when their parents are unavailable. She is lucky to have grandparents who are willing to put her needs ahead of their own, even though their job of raising kids had come and gone and they were probably ready to enjoy the role of grandparent and the spoils it brings.
June 30th, 2005 at 1:20 pm
Just a quick response to your response to my comment, I couldn’t help myself. Time on the planet does not directly correlate to worthwhile life experiences, or even life experiences on the whole. The amount and kind of life experiences one has depends pretty much entirely on the sort of life one is forced to live and the choices one makes in that life.
I’m not at all seeing what you’re saying as words of one who envisions a perfect, pretty little world. I understand that, and it is evident from your writing, that you have a fair perspective on humanity, perhaps one a bit more optimistic than my own, but it’s fair nonetheless.
With regard to “‘people helping people’ without profit being the motive,” I mean…all I can say is that the perspective I hold, which has been vigorously argued for in philosophical journals, claims that some sort of profit is necessarily man’s motive for acting, regardless of the action, and any other potentially perceivable presumeable motivations. That’s a mouthfull and a half. Certainly, of course, anyone is entitled to any belief for which they can provide some sort of semblance of a rational explanation. This isn’t me talking down to anyone, by the way, it’s me safeguarding against any potential objections that I am saying that folks aren’t entitled to any particular class of beliefs that I may personally find irrational. So much for a ‘quick’ response.
July 2nd, 2005 at 8:06 am
(response)
Philosopher- Who is to say what is or is not a worthwhile life experience? Aside from obvious criminal acts, I’d say anything that expands your knowledge of yourself, your world, and your fellow man are worthwhile experiences that can be shared with others.
And yes, if one can equate a feeling of goodness or a rise in self-esteem derived fromhelping others as a profit, then there probably are no truly altruistic motives. But that is a toic of the next essay.
Thanks for the lively discussion!