The US government has a new website, www.ready.gov. It’s run by the Department of Homeland Security and is supposed to provide answers to everyday questions regarding emergency situations. And they even offer pictures so there can be no confusion as to what you are supposed to do in an extreme situation.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you’ll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
Thanks, Homeland Security. I’ll be sure to share this information with all my friends!
(special hat tip to a friend of mine for passing this along.)
(originally posted on Bring It On!)
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 10th, 2007 at 5:27 am and is filed under Common Sense, General, national security.
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January 10th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Hi Ken, I don’t think I have come across anything this funny or clever on a blog since I started blogging in 2005. Some of the diagrams remind me of the old British, Civil Defense booklets and advice. I remember being told in school that in the event of an atomic attack on the city – hide under the desk!
I don’t suppose you would like to move to Australia and become an MP would you? – we could well do with somebody of your calibre here. All the best for the future
January 11th, 2007 at 8:07 am
Wow that was amazingly hilarious. I laughed through practically the entire post! Thanks so much for a nice healthy laugh. I’ll be sure to spread the word about this post and your blog.
January 11th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I have just visited the “Ready America” website and had to tell myself that this is not a spoof. When Australia released its “Be Alert” campaign, it came under heavy and usually highly sarcastic criticism – especially the now infamous “fridge magnets”. However, this is like a sketch from the old British comedy program “Dads Army” the sort of thing only Captain Mainwaring or US administration could come up with.
January 11th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Been trying hard not to use the word ‘awesome’ lately.. But that was.
Thanks for the laugh. And you sat through the whole of Bush’s speech last night? I managed about 30 seconds.